School is coming.
For some of you, it has already started. It is with a heavy heart and much foreboding that I drop to my knees and pray for your souls.
What is it that awaits you? Will you be tormented by your peers for the next nine months? Will you slowly die of starvation after being crushed underneath a pile of homework? Only time will tell.
In the spirit of the thing, I present something I have worked on for many… minutes. Actually, I wrote it two years ago as a freshman and all I did today was replace the name of my old blog with this one. The piece was a rough draft of an essay for my English class, but I was a sleep-deprived mess at the time. The result is quite interesting.
Oh, and just so you know, the topic was supposed to be ‘Should people attend college?’
THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE A COMPLETELY SUCKY ARGUMENTATIVE ESSAY (BUT MY MOM SAYS I’M REALLY GOOD AT ARGUING, SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY)
I am here to argue the position that people should stop being idiots and attend college, because if they don’t, their kids will probably die and then reanimate and return to eat the brains of their parents as revenge. Not that the parents actually have brains, because not going to college doesn’t make you possessive of very increased smartness. In fact, it will probably make you more likely to use phrases such as ‘possessive of very increased smartness.’ Don’t say I didn’t freaking warn you.
I have proof, you know. According to A Theory Of Zombies (which is an insanely awesome website that everybody should go to unless you’re a total jerk because I’ll be making fun of you on there and you might punch me even though I’m a girl and I wear glasses), every single dead thing out there is guaranteed to come back as a zombie and that will be the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, so everyone should just go home now and build shelters underground because this is totally going to happen. And that’s a fact because A Theory Of Zombies is a great source. According to a different source that I haven’t found yet, parents who don’t attend college will die and so will their kids. Actually, let’s say that’s from A Theory Of Zombies, too. I’m sure I can put the info on there before this is graded.
In my opinion, this essay isn’t too bad. And that’s not my opinion, either, even though I just said that it was approximately half a sentence ago. That statement is going on my website and then I can freaking source it and that will make it impressively intimidating. Plus I’m pretty sure that someone has to source your website before you can actually consider it to be a real website. That’s basically the rite of passage for a website.
I’d have more reasons why people should go to college in this next paragraph, but the web page I’m trying to go to is taking forever to load. That’s probably because I forgot to connect to a network. And by ‘network,’ I mean ‘really slow dial-up Internet connection that probably won’t load a website anyway.’ You know, my brain works like a dial-up Internet connection first thing in the morning. I can barely remember that a sock is called a sock, much less remember the drawer in which they are located. My mom doesn’t understand this. She keeps asking me all these deep, intellectual questions at 6:00 AM like ‘Where did you put your coat?’ and all I can do is fling an arm in her direction and make some kind of unintelligible moaning noise, which would mean that I was a zombie except that’s not really possible because both of my parents went to college. Plus I’m not very interested in brains at that hour. I can barely manage to use my own.
Anyway, the kids of parents who don’t attend college will die and be less likely to go to college.
I just reread that sentence and it makes absolutely no sense. If the kid died, he would be really likely to go to college because that’s where brains are. You can bet zombies won’t bother with a middle school.
And I’m not even going to source A Theory Of Zombies on that one. I saw a T-shirt once that said, “If zombies eat brains, you’re safe.” I’m not exactly sure how to source a shirt, but it’s evidence. I think to source stuff all you have to do is put a bunch of two-word phrases in there backwards and separate them with commas and it counts.
So anyway, yeah. You should totally go to college because if you don’t your dead babies will come back and eat your brain. That is the lesson you should have learned here.
And yes. This is a completely sucky argumentative essay.
Zombies, Theory Of. Website, my. Apocalypse, zombie. Date visited: April 32 2015.
Shirt, -T. Polyester, 30%. Guinea pig hair, 70%. Wash, machine. Date worn: February 30, 2015.
Brain, my. Work, piece of. Zombie risk: 45%. Date visited: 14th of Never, 2015.