Last year, I was in high school. I wrote a number of HS-themed blog posts… and never ended up posting them. So I figured I’d share.
Get this: Today in my PE class, I overheard a few girls – seniors – getting into an argument. Now, these people are legally adults. They can vote. They have a legitimate influence in the world.
That is why the world is going to hell. Because they were arguing over why the myth of virginity was invented.
I repeat: Why the myth of virginity was invented. Even if they had been arguing over whether or not it WAS a myth – there still might have been some hope left for humanity. But no. These girls had already blindly accepted that virginity was not an actual thing, and had moved on to putting forth theories as to why it had been made up.
I’ll stop for a minute to let the horror of the impending doom of the human race sink in.
My friends, I’ve been attending Seltsam High School for a long time. And I could have gotten used to hearing freshmen discuss blowjob techniques and seeing pregnant fifteen-year-olds walking around campus. According to the laws of natural selection, organisms need to begin finding mates and producing offspring as soon as possible in order to prove their biological success. So, from a scientific standpoint, early reproduction and being quick to sexually mature are both good things.
However, somewhere along the line, brainpower was lost entirely.
Think about it for a second: Human beings learn by example. If we’ve got kids thinking this kind of crap now, and they go off and breed – beginning reproduction at an early age, therefore maximizing the number of demon spawn they can produce – and then all of their kids learn to be as stupid as their parents, and those kids have more stupid kids, and those stupid kids have even more stupid kids, and nobody ever stops to say, “Hey. Maybe we shouldn’t be breeding as quickly as cancer cells and feeding off the dying body of the human race…”
We’re gonna be screwed. That’s all there is to say. In three or four generations, stupid people will have used their sheer numbers to take over the planet. Judging by the stories I hear about people’s parents getting drunk and deciding to go sledding naked, this process is already underway.
And, just for the heck of it, here are some more stupid quotes from the stupid people of Seltsam High.
“Remember the last time you were at my house and you stuck your finger in the light socket and shocked yourself?”
“Dude, don’t blow up the sun! You could go to jail for that!”
“THAT’S RIGHT! I AM A PSYCHO BITCH!”
“I wish I could get held back. My crush is only a sophomore.”
“I’m gonna invent a car where you have to have sex in it to start it.”
“What’s the atmosphere? OH – like planets?”
This is a major issue, but lucky for us, there’s a quick solution.
Abolish the light socket covers.