Transcription: Oct 23, 2016
So today I killed someone.
…Yes, this is a confession.
It was about five thirty in the evening when the rather unfortunate incident occurred, sir. See, I had taken my guinea pig – well, one of my guinea pigs – outside, and – why? I needed to brush him. He hates getting brushed, but he sheds more than any of my other pigs. I have four guinea pigs, actually. Two male, two female. What? Well, no, this doesn’t really relate to the whole confessing thing. How much memory does that recording thingy have?
Oh. Well anyway, I had to take him outside, mainly because his fur is so greasy. I mean, he’s really cute, but his coat is just so oily! And he never washes. All my other pigs do, but not him. So I had him out back – no sir, not the lawn, the deck – and I started brushing him. I use a bristle brush to start, but after that I use a… Sir? Are you okay? You look worn out. Okay, okay, I’ll keep going.
I brushed him for… I don’t know, ten minutes maybe. Fifteen. Personally, I like to brush them for a while if they’re heavy shedders. Is ‘shedders’ a real word? Do you know? Are you listening?
No, sir, not implying at all you don’t know how to do your job. No sir. It’s just that I watch a lot of cop shows, and they don’t usually put their heads down in interrogation. Do you watch cop shows? How realistic are they? Not realistic at all, I’m guessing. How often do you see the actors rolling their eyes at a suspect on TV? I don’t even know how many times you’ve done tha-
Yes, sir, back to the confession. Where was I? No, I’m not going back on my story. I’m not saying I don’t remember where I said I was when it happened, where was I in the confession? Oh, that’s right. Thanks.
It was really funny, you know, cuz he kept trying to climb up on my lap to get away from the brush. And he bit the brush a few times. That was REALLY funny. Don’t you think?
…I guess you had to be there.
Aaaaaanyhow, when I finally got done I figured I’d let him run around for a while. Poor guy doesn’t get out much with me back in school. He used to get outside almost every day and it’s getting too cold for that now. Not that it was freezing or anything when I had him out there, but still. Three other pigs means not a lot of time.
What? Water? Sure, I’d like some water. Don’t worry, I won’t go anywhere. Mainly because you’ve got me cuffed to the table.
Hmm hmm hmm…
La da da da da da da DA.
*tapping drumbeats on table* SIXTEEN GIRLS ON A DEAD MAN’S CHEST, LA DA DA. FOR LOVE OF COFFEE CAKE IT WAS THE BEST, LA DA DA. FORTY-FIVE WHEELCHAIR DUNKING… *pause for effect pause for effect* BANANA.
Oh. No, officer, everything’s fine. No, no cats being murdered in here, sir. Nobody in here but us rock’n’rollers.
LA DA DA.
Man, who’d have thought getting water would take such a long time? Wait a minute. I’m not taking this. You’re trying to get my fingerprints or my DNA or something, aren’t you? Well, I’m not falling for it. Ever.
Right. My confession.
See, I laid down… I’ve always wondered about that, actually. Is it ‘lay’ or ‘laid?’ Well, really, ‘lay’ is the past tense of ‘lie,’ so which of those… Huh. I guess ‘lay’ shows up twice, so I’ve got a fifty percent chance of getting it right then.
Okay, I’m on the deck laying down next to him – no, sir, not on my back – yes, and I had my arms folded. Like a pillow. Great.
That’s when it happened, sir. I saw this little gray thing, and it was coming at me so close I could hardly see it. Like, it was all blurred out, you know? And I didn’t expect it to stick around, but the next thing I know, I feel something brush past my face. And there’s this burning sensation in my left eye, like there’s something stuck in it. I get inside, but my eye’s already watering, and I can feel something moving in there. So I go in the bathroom and look in the mirror, and there’s… there’s this little gnat, sticking in my eyelashes. Yes, sir, that’s right.
I brutally murdered a bug with my bare eyeball.
Well, yes, sir, it was an accident. And I did consider that it might have been suicide… but I have my doubts. Bugs die all the time, and there are easier ways to go about it. Plus, I could feel him kicking around for a while. I don’t think he was ready to go, sir, I don’t think that at all.
So what’s my sentence?
Whaddaya MEAN I’m free to go?
No, sir, not trying to take the law in my own hands. But the fact is, I did kill something. It had a family, sir. I would get out of your hair, sir, but you don’t seem to have any.
So I’m not a criminal? This is incredible! I didn’t even have to use my one phone call! I’m so happy I could sing!
Hey, where are you…
Oh, who needs him. I can celebrate all by myself.